3rd death anniversary

It was my grandpa's 3rd death anniversary yesterday. I was at home with the girls watching the mini video I had created in his memory. Joelle barely knows who her great grandpa was except how he looked like. She did not have the priviledge to enjoy his love like mummy did. I want so much to tell her how fortunate mummy was to have him as my grandpa and I hope the video would be able to do that for her and hopefully for Isabelle too when she grows up. I miss him so much.

When I called my brother later, he told me that he was at mass with grandma and relatives and asked me why I did not attend the service. I heard him ask my relatives "you want to scold her?" and they said "no, don't bother her". I thought that was quite upsetting. Maybe I have fogiven but never forgotten. Afterall didn't they decide not to bother me with my grandpa's parting three years ago? That have striped them of any right to even think of me as unfilial towards my grandpa. I loved him lots and eveyone knew that. Yet I was denied the last chance to hold his living body and bid him a proper farewell. Everyone knew he was waiting for me but no one notified me. It was of good intention I believe but for all the wrong reasons and definately the wrong decision. Whatever it is, it's all in the past. My grandpa left this world three years ago but he has yet to leave me. The video provides a little closure but I do hope that one day I would be able to reconcile and be at peace.

My miracle child

This is a very long blog about my second pregnancy. I decide to post it here for all those who enjoy my writings and I'm proud to share my experience, physically and emotionally, throughout the whole journey with isabelle within me. Take your time to read. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. If you enjoy the read, watch out for the second part - the birth story coming up soon.

The story of baby#2

It was 1st April 2006. Finally the time has come to announce to the world "we are expecting another BABY!" What good news to share... I've been toying with the idea of having another child for some months already. Dave and I discussed and agreed that this is the right time so we tried and prayed and waited. In February, God answered.

We are now in our 36 week of pregnancy and I have to say that this is a difficult journey for both of us. Me for the physical and emotional roller coaster ride and Dave for riding with me. This pregnancy is so different from my first and I suffered quite badly for this one. Thankfully the last stretch of this pregnancy saw me feeling happier as we anxiously await her arrival.

My first trimester was plagued with morning sickness at all times of the day, giddiness and faintist spells. I actually emptied my annual and medical leave including the extended leave during this period. I was practically not active in the office from February to March. My first gynae appointment was scheduled for 17 Feb 2006 but I had been feeling rather unwell. Giddy and neasous so I called the clinic to fix an appointment earlier on 9 Feb 2006. I went and saw what seemed to be the sac in which the baby might form. It was really tiny and barely regconisable. Anyway Dr Eunice told me by looking at the sac, I should be around 4 weeks pregnant. Well, good news confirmed. She advised me to rest and let the pregnancy develop. She also told me with a straight face that some sac do not actually develop further and the pregnancy will be terminated if the sac got flushed out. So she gave me a 2 week medical leave to stay at home and rest. Like a little obedient child, I stayed at home throughout the 2 weeks and just ate and rest.

As I was still feeling giddy after my 2 weeks rest, Dr Eunice refered me to a haemotologist to further examine my thalasemia condition. True enough my haemoglobin level droped and my haemotologist Dr Lee advised more rest and precribed me with a further 2 week medical leave. I was warned that if the HB level continue to drop even after the 2 weeks of rest, I have to go for a blood transfusion. NO! not another blood transfusion. It's horribly painful from my last experience. I do not wish to go through that again. For that 2 weeks, I ate all those "blood nourishing" soups and drinks, I stayed at home and rest, I cried and prayed. I had so much to worry about, the blood condition, the OSCAR test and whether my baby would be generically normal. Oh I remembered the night before the appointment, I lit the candles and sat in front of the Holy Family. I cried and talked to the Lord... not like praying but more like talking. I asked Him why do I have to suffer this much? He 'said' I dont have to if I surrender to Him all my worries. I told Him that I'd always wanted Him to show me the way but He never does so. And a strong sensation came unto me and I heard a voice within me which I was very sure it doesn't belong to me as it was way out of my thinking. The voice said "do not wish or hope or want, surrender to me, let me walk the road for you. I know what you want, I know your wish and your hope. Just let go" and I sat there - silent. Suddenly I realised my mistake. I have always ask God to carry my burden but I have never given Him the chance to do so. I have been telling Him what to do, what I want and how to do it. Now I have to let go. I have to let Him take control. It was a spiritual moment for me at that time. I stopped crying and I felt a sense of relief, calm and happy. Finally. I was no longer afraid, worried or scared. I have surrendered to God all my worldly pain and worries.

True to God's promise, my HB level went up and after a long discussion between the two doctors, I was spared the transfusion. I can't imagine having to face the possibility of a conflict allegy or worst an infection from the new blood. Thank God! But I guess the best news was to learn that my little one "pass" the OSCAR test. What great news for a mummy who suffered quite a fair bit in the first trimester! Thank you Lord.

When we entered into the second trimester, I was happy I need not "worship the toilet bowl" anymore. I went back to work like a new person. However one month later in May, I began to feel tired and faintist again. I went for a test and was shock to learn that my HB level dropped to 7.0 now! Red alert! They schedule a preparation test for a possible transfusion two weeks later if the level drop below the 6.5 mark. I started to worry again, totally forgetting God's promise to keep me safe as long as I trust Him. I paniced and suffered sleepless nights and loss of appetite. Desperate, I seek advise from everyone and decide to faithfully obey my gynea's advise to consume more of the iron rich beef. So I stuffed myself with beef everyday till I started bleeding from the nose. But it was all worth it cause two weeks later, my HB level went up to 7.2. Wow! Beef works! However I was warned though that I will definately be scheduled for a transfusion if either my child's development is affected by the loss of haemoglobin or if my HB level drop to the 6.5 mark. So to prevent loss of any more haemoglobin, I was advised to rest. Therefore for the sake of my unborn child, who is still dependent on my health, I decided to take a month of no pay leave to rest. As my expected delivery date is in October, my manager allow me to use this leave sparingly over the next 4 months till I start my maternity leave. Unbelievable but I guess she could be kind if she wants to. Anyway I'm grateful for any help I could garner to make this journey more pleasant. I can't wait for this child to be in my arms.

During the second trimester, I suffered quite a bit of emotional outbreak. I cried over the most trival matter and was often irritated by joelle's behaviour. I could not control my anger and my patience was really wearing thin during that time. It was the worst emotional experience of my pregnancy. The occasional peaks I received during this period was the scheduled appointments to see my little one, especially the detail scan on 23 May 2006. It was only during those ultrascans that I can put an image to the kicks and tickles I felt within me since 16 weeks. I looked forward to all my appointments and never fail to bring home memorised images of the little one swimming inside me. Those images kept me smiling for a while. However sometime in late June, I was advised to leave my job and rest at home as my gynea felt that mine was a high risk pregnancy after I experience some unusual symtoms. I nose bled very often, almost everyday and I experience blurred vision (blind spots) on 2 occasions and my HB level dropped to 6.7. It was with a really serious look and tone that my gynea used that day. I was affected for a while because Dave had just changed his job, from full-time to freelance. A major decision, almost like a crossroad in our lives and it definately required some adjusting of lifestyle. So how could I leave my job at a time like this? Though I very much like to stay home and enjoy the final leg of my pregnancy, I can't. Mainly practical reasons. We need the money, as much as we could garner really. Sigh... it was rather sad to think like that when one is pregnant. We should have been more rigid in our decisions but then again... we never regret. Without the bad, the good would not be that good afterall. So appreciate that the bad makes the good, good. Moreover it is our family policy to be happy and have no regrets. So... if changing from full-time to freelance will make Dave a happier and more fulfilled person and having this second child will make me a happier and more complete person, so be it. As for little joelle... she is always happy. We have been greatly blessed so despite the nitty gritty bruises here and there, we still count our blessings... everyday. Thank God for life, for its bad and more so for its good!

Finally we're into our last trimester! I wished I had enjoyed this pregnancy more but I did not. I remembered praying and hoping and counting the days to the end of each and every month. It's so sad actually. Knowing that this might probably be my last pregnancy, I really should have enjoyed it more. Though I was certain that I would have done it better if I was not working, I cant gurantee that the discomfort I felt throughout would not have affect the level of enjoyment. Anyway what's done cannot be undone and I have carried this pregnancy to the final lap now. All I can promise myself is that I will make it up by enjoying the birth and love of this beautiful child. It has been a long and tiring journey... this pregnancy. It was so different from my first. Expecting Joelle was a breeze and I thought I really enjoyed the journey, being pampered and all the shopping trips I made. Bearing in mind my HB level was just as low. This one however is tiring and frightening as I was plagued with sickness, pains and even depression. It started with uncontrollable weeping but became more severe when I started having suicidal thoughts. I was aware of these dangerous thoughts but did not know who to talk to since no one around me suffered this symtoms. There was this once I told my aunt and she commented that if I know it, it can't be real. Such a bad advise I would say. Never, never belittle and ignore such thoughts. They can develop into something you won't believe yourself. Well, I did decide to take action and told my gynea. She said it's a good thing to be aware and a bad thing to ignore. I'm glad I made the right choice. I survived that rollar coaster ride.

During the 32 week in August, we finally decided on baby's name. For many months, she has been affectionately called 'baby cube' because mummy is 'baby' and Joelle is 'baby square' so naturally this little one is 'baby cube'. But now she has a name: Isabelle, which means 'devoted to God'. It's a very appropriate name as this baby is very much a prayer baby. Throughout the entire journey, I have been praying. I pray over my blood condition, I pray over her well being, I pray over everything including her name and this is the name that came up against the list of more 'favoured' names. Moreover, daddy chose this name out of the other 11 names in the list. Seems like this is the name meant for our little girl. Beautiful name with a great meaning. Princess Isabelle...

Now that we are counting the days to the delivery, I'm getting all nervous and anxious at the same time. Preparation for the birth is already on the way. My hospital bag is packed, baby's clothes are washed, strategy to handling joelle after the birth has been finalised and possible dates has been chosen since this will be a ceasarian birth as well. We are given six weekdays to deliver between the last week of September to the first week of October. Eunice wants to prevent me from going into labour near the 40th week as that would require an emergency ceasarian which might be more messy and costly. So we want to make this an elective ceasarian instead and that would mean that I have to deliver between the 38th and 39th week. Well enough since I'm constantly experiencing painful contractions and backaches now. Isabelle is also getting big for her studio apartment as her frequent stretches and kicks are starting to hurt more. But I know that is what I will miss most after her birth. That little movements within me. Knowing your child is so much a part of you. Sometimes that thought makes me want to keep her in for a little while longer.

Being pregnant is still a wonderful and beautiful experience and I'm saying this on top of all the pains and sufferings I went through. If I'm younger and healthier, I would definately want to be pregnant again and again. Children are a joy to have. It's not going to be an easy journey raising them I know but it will definately be an invaluable experience walking that journey with them. I will keep that memory strong and alive with pictures and writings. I'm sure one day when I'm all old and grey, I want to be able to cosy up with them and talk about the lives we have shared and the stories of their being. My girls are my hope, my future and my life. I will love them forever even beyond my last breath.

I love you, girls.

Christmas cooking

This christmas, there is no party at home, no tree with candy cones and a star on top and no creamy cake that is shaped like a log but joelle is still very happy. She has her presents and she likes them very much.

Her favourite is a gift from her grandfather, my father. It is a life-size (her size of course!) kitchen set that comes complete with a built-in oven, a sink and stoves. It is really a wonderful toy. We all enjoy playing together. Daddy cooking, mummy preparing the dishes, joelle washing and cleaning up. Surprisingly it becomes a family game and we really have fun "in the kitchen". I'm sure we will be cooking up a storm again tonight. We do that almost every night!

Mummy spend about three hundred bulks on clothes for the girls this christmas. Another hundred dollars worth of clothes for myself. The total 'damage' this christmas should be around five hundred including gifts.

Merry christmas!

Woes of a working mum

I have returned to work after my maternity leave and I'm struggling. Physically and emotionally. I'm struggling to spend as much time as I can with my doll (since I'm working full time at a far far away place) and I'm struggling not to feel guilty about not being able to see all her 'firsts'. Every day, I leave the house at 6.50am to take the contracted transport to the office and reach home at 6.30pm. I spent 12 hours each day away from the girls and I feel very guilty about it. It's already bad enough that I spent so many hours at work, it's worst with joelle demanding such a big share of my remaining time at home. I really wonder what will Isabelle think and how this would affect our bond. I know many people would think I'm silly to think that but I do.

I find work meaningless if I have to worry about their well being at home with the maid alone. Come to think of it, the only thing I like about working is the financial independence. Not so much the idea of working, the need to work or the work itself. Perhaps I'm not in the right field. My job is too boring and mindless for me to the extent that I find child-raising more exciting and challenging. I only enjoy being able to buy (from my own pocket!) the girls clothes, books or anything they fancy without having to discuss with daddy or con him into financing those purchases. But this alone, I feel is not the best reason to stay employed. Yes, it is society's ideal requirement and perhaps my husband's too. A dual income family. But definately not mine. Not that I do not like work or cash but I prefer being able to do what I enjoy doing and best, getting paid for it. So where is the meeting point? Sigh...

Look at this doll. I would trade feasting in expensive restaurant and fluanting branded stuffs for her smiles and chuckles. I really wish I could wake up to her smile and have her reaching out for me and not my maid. Sometimes I envy my mum and even my maid for the special bond they share with this pumpkin. She readily smiles at my mum over a simple "hello!" and she "goo and gaa" with my maid all the time. Where is mummy in her equation? None. Mummy is missing from her infanthood. Goodness! In fact I miss her first tears, her first chuckles, her first boo! (sticking out her tongue delibrately) and I really do not wish to miss her first flip, her first step and her first word! It's just not me to put money before my children or work before my family. I love my girls very much and I do not want to regret not giving them my time. Time flies too fast and the hands of the clock will always move forward. There is no way I can turn back the clock and relive history. So I shall make a decision now to do things right even if it means giving up a possible luxurious future. But then again... who can predict what the future holds for us? Let's be happy now. I know I am... with my girls.

My daughters

My Daughters

My daughters are my treasure, great blessings from above.
They are my laughter, my warmth and a really special song.
They are beauty and love and all things special.

My daughters bring a special joy that comes from deep inside.
As they grow each day, they fill my heart with pride.
With every minute that pass, they are more special than before.

Through every stage, through every age, you love them even more.
No words can describe the memories, the pride and gratitude.
That come from having two beautiful daughters to love and cherish too.

Thank you Lord for the Girls.

Go Fly Kite!

We brought the girls to the park on Sunday (17 Dec 06) because daddy bought some kites from China and boost to hon his skill in kite-flying. Unfortunately, it was a rather still day and none of the kites at the park managed to fly (there were some other people trying to fly their kites too). So daddy suggested we go to the open field near a LRT station in Punggol to try our luck.




Well, it was breezier there for some reason so we manage to see the kite in the sky for some good minutes before the rain threatens to drench us if we do not pack and go.





Joelle was elated to see the kite lift off her hands. In fact she was already excited when daddy ran with the kite tailing just above him. So she is pretty easy to please actually, unlike mummy who always complain that the kite is not high enough. Isabelle is a little too young to enjoy the activity and she spent most of the time sleeping in her infant car seat enjoying the artificial breeze created by the portable fan.

Anyway it was a good day out with the girls.