A friend of mine passed away from a heart attack while overseas at work. He was a mentor and we shared a history. Our relationship wasn't one that included constant contact and in fact we probably did not want to disrupt our own personal lives. However when he passed on, I went to his wake and was told by his wife how much I had meant to him as a "student" and how much he had treasured the token of appreciation I had given to him back in... 1997 perhaps? It was something I barely remembered but was made so guilty for not realizing the significance of it. I cried and thought... what a waste, he was still young for a heart attack. Three days later, while driving past his office, I suddenly realized that it wasn't the guilt from the token that was eating at me, it was the unsaid words between us. I had to pull over at the nearest church along the way to bawl my eyes out. The last time I felt this way was 20 years ago. That was when my friend was killed in a traffic accident without fulfilling her promise to me. I then realized that I need to get my act together to fish out the people whom I cared enough to tell them everything they needed to know and to fulfill whatever promises I had made to any of them. It seems like the next most important thing for me to do now.
So I have created a new mission, dedicated to my soul - to reconnect. The first mission was for the body, the second for the heart, the third for the mind and this would be the final thing to do to achieve peace and healing. So it's for the soul. I really think this is the most important mission I have to date. Unfortunately this mission is not something I can start and get it over and done with in quick time. This would be the most challenging mission so far. And it's going to take a bit of time. But I will not rush this particular mission as it involves more than I can imagine.
Mission #4 - Reconnect
The first person I called was a special friend from back then. We had a long history behind us. I knew her from my holiday job back in 1989, after my 'O' levels. We were in property sales and occasionally went out on sites together. We remained in close contact after I started term at college. I hung out at her place often for dinners as my school was in close proximity to her house. Her mother would let me "nap" at the house in between classes or take my showers before heading back to school. She knew about my crushes, helped me write the letter to reject a "relationship proposal", met my ex-boyfriends, read at my church wedding and attends most of my children birthday parties. However, between us, there was a baggage. A baggage we both probably wanted to leave it intact and back there in the past where it belonged.
But I can't. I carried that wound secretly for the past 20 years and I know I would feel the same regret should anything happen to me or her. You see, she and I shared a common friend, the friend who was killed in the traffic accident. I missed her very much, God bless her soul. Her death not only ended our friendship, it distant the friendship I had with this friend. For quite a while, I was denied her friendship. She pulled away from me so suddenly and drastically that I felt so helpless. I was not told why it happened or what actually happened. I was totally clueless and that tore me apart. It was difficult for an 18 year old to understand the complexity of the adult friendship (they were both about 10 years older) and to suffer two losses simultaneously was more than I was prepared for.
That experience had probably changed my entire opinion and approach to friendship. My friendships thereafter were all plague with the curse of this lost I felt. I never trusted friendships the way I would have wanted to. I never learn how to experience a friend's love without first preparing myself for the eventual departure. I never trust that friendships can last forever and I became extremely cautious whenever I'm into a new friendship. This caused unnecessary stress on myself and the friends that came my way. I did not know how else to handle a relationship that carried no guarantee. I ended countless of friendships unnecessarily, some of them might have been beautiful and I'm sure there were a couple that could have become my friends for life. But I did not allow that to happen. I did not allow any opportunity to experience the loss and the pain from another unexpected departure.
Anyway, I met her over dinner and we caught up on each others lives. We talked about my girls, her family, the events that we missed, the funny stuff that happened along the way. We talked about my health and I eventually told her I wanted to reconnect and she allowed me to reopen the baggage and voice out the hurt that I carried in my heart. It was a short but necessary moment that relief me of the pain that had haunted me since. This did not save the other friendships that I had lost along the way but it sure saved this particularly significant one that I had when I was 18, young and impressionable. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad we reconnected. I thank God for the grace of perseverance and forgiveness this night and I thank God for allowing me this opportunity to make right what was made wrong 20 years ago. I thank this friend for finding the grace in God and in her heart to love me again. I continually pray that this will be another friendship for me to hold with much pride till the day I'm called home.
