Day out with a great friend

I'm a very simple girl. Give me what I crave to eat and take me to where I desire to go, I'm a very happy and contented person. This day is my day out with friends and I chose to spend it with my dearest friend eileen. We head to our favourite kway chap joint in serangoon gardens. That is the best kway chap for me. Now that I mentioned, I'm craving for it already.

Next we head out for a cycling session to the waterfront promenade park. Eileen likes evening rides without the glaring sun and skin deep heat. I don't mind it anytime. Well I guess I'm quite an outdoor person (in good health) and I seem to like wheels. My friends are just being nice to accompany me each time I yearn for some outdoor adrenalin. I have to say that I am always looking forward to my weekly cycling adventure with eileen. Though I know how much she rather sleep in on a weekend after having to wake so early on weekday mornings, I would still bug her to cycle with me. Though I know she always tries to accommodate my childlike insistence, I never fail to instill guilt in her should she fail to keep our date. She is a great friend to have. I'm just being greedy. She doesn't fuss, she doesn't need. She'll be happy to give and she never seeks returns. She's the kind of friend for keeps and I know I've been such a lousy friend to her. But being the expression-shy person that she is, I can't tell her how much I appreciate her silent support and tolerance the way I normally would. So I could only silently take a step back and watch her regain that peace she probably enjoyed without me. I'll miss loving this friend. 

My Big White

Following my 小白, I went on to get a samsung galaxy S2 in white. I named it 大白.  Now I will be able to experience the strength and weakness of the two phones. Let's see who emerge the winner at the end of the day.


For now, I shall enjoy the phone till the next one comes along.


So far, I have these to share. Currently S2 is in the lead for me.
iPhone 4
- quality apps
- good camera function for low light condition
- inconvenience in file sharing
- complicating ringtone creation



Galaxy S2
- quality of apps questionable
- shutter lapse in camera

- excellent file sharing ability
- easy ringtone creation
- music sharing a breeze
- photo transferring a breeze

Our family tree - by joelle

 

Always a happy "join". I understood what she meant though her use of words... a little funny. But I think she did a great job by herself. The addition of the word "kid" means when they were younger and the text in the bubbles... classic.

Mission #4 - Reconnect

A friend of mine passed away from a heart attack while overseas at work. He was a mentor and we shared a history. Our relationship wasn't one that included constant contact and in fact we probably did not want to disrupt our own personal lives. However when he passed on, I went to his wake and was told by his wife how much I had meant to him as a "student" and how much he had treasured the token of appreciation I had given to him back in... 1997 perhaps? It was something I barely remembered but was made so guilty for not realizing the significance of it. I cried and thought... what a waste, he was still young for a heart attack. Three days later, while driving past his office, I suddenly realized that it wasn't the guilt from the token that was eating at me, it was the unsaid words between us. I had to pull over at the nearest church along the way to bawl my eyes out. The last time I felt this way was 20 years ago. That was when my friend was killed in a traffic accident without fulfilling her promise to me. I then realized that I need to get my act together to fish out the people whom I cared enough to tell them everything they needed to know and to fulfill whatever promises I had made to any of them. It seems like the next most important thing for me to do now.  

So I have created a new mission, dedicated to my soul - to reconnect. The first mission was for the body, the second for the heart, the third for the mind and this would be the final thing to do to achieve peace and healing. So it's for the soul. I really think this is the most important mission I have to date. Unfortunately this mission is not something I can start and get it over and done with in quick time. This would be the most challenging mission so far. And it's going to take a bit of time. But I will not rush this particular mission as it involves more than I can imagine. 

Mission #4 - Reconnect

The first person I called was a special friend from back then. We had a long history behind us. I knew her from my holiday job back in 1989, after my 'O' levels. We were in property sales and occasionally went out on sites together. We remained in close contact after I started term at college. I hung out at her place often for dinners as my school was in close proximity to her house. Her mother would let me "nap" at the house in between classes or take my showers before heading back to school. She knew about my crushes, helped me write the letter to reject a "relationship proposal", met my ex-boyfriends, read at my church wedding and attends most of my children birthday parties. However, between us, there was a baggage. A baggage we both probably wanted to leave it intact and back there in the past where it belonged. 

But I can't. I carried that wound secretly for the past 20 years and I know I would feel the same regret should anything happen to me or her. You see, she and I shared a common friend, the friend who was killed in the traffic accident. I missed her very much, God bless her soul. Her death not only ended our friendship, it distant the friendship I had with this friend. For quite a while, I was denied her friendship. She pulled away from me so suddenly and drastically that I felt so helpless. I was not told why it happened or what actually happened. I was totally clueless and that tore me apart. It was difficult for an 18 year old to understand the complexity of the adult friendship (they were both about 10 years older) and to suffer two losses simultaneously was more than I was prepared for. 

That experience had probably changed my entire opinion and approach to friendship. My friendships thereafter were all plague with the curse of this lost I felt. I never trusted friendships the way I would have wanted to. I never learn how to experience a friend's love without first preparing myself for the eventual departure. I never trust that friendships can last forever and I became extremely cautious whenever I'm into a new friendship. This caused unnecessary stress on myself and the friends that came my way. I did not know how else to handle a relationship that carried no guarantee. I ended countless of friendships unnecessarily, some of them might have been beautiful and I'm sure there were a couple that could have become my friends for life. But I did not allow that to happen. I did not allow any opportunity to experience the loss and the pain from another unexpected departure.

Anyway, I met her over dinner and we caught up on each others lives. We talked about my girls, her family, the events that we missed, the funny stuff that happened along the way. We talked about my health and I eventually told her I wanted to reconnect and she allowed me to reopen the baggage and voice out the hurt that I carried in my heart. It was a short but necessary moment that relief me of the pain that had haunted me since. This did not save the other friendships that I had lost along the way but it sure saved this particularly significant one that I had when I was 18, young and impressionable. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad we reconnected. I thank God for the grace of perseverance and forgiveness this night and I thank God for allowing me this opportunity to make right what was made wrong 20 years ago. I thank this friend for finding the grace in God and in her heart to love me again. I continually pray that this will be another friendship for me to hold with much pride till the day I'm called home. 

Mission #3 - Write

Now this has been my lifelong dream. I have never been able to work on it. I started writing short stories inspired by life experiences since my twenties. Till today, I have only one completed story which was unabashedly sent out for a competition. I did not get published of course but that did not deter me from trying again. After all, it is not solely the dream of being published but the desire to write and remember and the ability to transform any memory into a beautiful story that sold me to writing. And I must start again. In this lifetime, I want to be proud to be able to pen some stories based on inspiring memories. 


So, let's get started.


Hmmm... writer's block... let's try again tomorrow...

Back at the hospital... again

A horrible start to the national day holiday indeed. We were suppose to be enjoying ourselves roller blading with the girls but we ended up in misery at the hospital. I was in pain, the man was restless and the girls were tired and bored. I think the only consolation I had was the constant beeping of my mobile phone from my very concerned best friends. They kept me comforted and distracted from the many tests I had to take while in the observation ward. I managed to stay out of hospital and return home though I had to retake certain tests the next two days. Currently, I'm fine. Thank you all for your concern.


This is the second trip to the hospital for the same localized pain. I have been taking medication and definitely praying there won't be a third. However, I would still like to praise God for allowing me to go through this pain. It has really increase my pain threshold from the first time to the second time. This pain has also made me treasure the health that I'm enjoying on good days. And I have also received the assurance I'd always hope to hear from my best friends and those words were the true comfort in times like these. My husband's silent support is the perfect antidote to panic and my girls... oh my girls... for them I'm fighting for my health.

Promises are not meant to be broken

Sometimes I feel really ashamed of myself. Why am I so incapable of managing promises. Why do I still believe that promises are not meant to be broken. Everyday, in and out, people make some kind of promise. Be it genuine or tempting or just a passing remark to keep further discussion at bay, promises seem to be part and parcel of people's conversation. So why should I be bothered by promises made and broken or to actually put my child-like trust in promises sealed by people around me? Should I not have learn by now that not all of them will be fulfill? After all I have been deceived since young. It should have numb me by now. 

Unfortunately, I still feel cheated, I still feel disappointed, I still feel like a child when it comes to broken promises. And I truly HATE myself for being taken in all the time. I HATE feeling like a fool in believing in something as pure as a simple word of trust, a promise.

But really, promises are not meant to be broken.

Mission #2 - Blade

Ever since mid June, I have been asking myself what I really want to do to make my life more satisfying and what could possibly occupy my time and my thoughts more positively. And I came up with three "missions". 

The first mission is something for the body - walk. That should keep me believing that I'm healthy already. I bought a pair of walking shoes in a nice shade of my favourite blue, hoping that it would draw me to use it often. So far, it did. I'm still walking my girls to their enrichment classes about two bus stops away and I'm walking while my husband cycles with the girls after dinner. Ever since joelle took over my bicycle, I do not own one so perhaps that might be my next target "mission", to get a new bicycle and cycle to further places.  But that shall wait because I've just bought myself a new set of wheels, to fulfill my next mission.

The second mission is for the heart - blade. Why is it for the heart? I'm thinking of something that could make me happy by itself, where I do not need to depend on external sources. And after some thoughts, I feel that blading had so far being able to allow me to feel happy independently. I do not need company to blade though company to me is always welcome. So that should keep me happy and have my heart pumping with adrenalin each time I'm on my blades. So now let's talk about my mission #2.


Mission #2 - Blade.
I own my first pair of recreational blades in 2002 but never really got to use them much because joelle was conceived and born soon after. Then it was too busy and too tired to engage in any sports. It was only in 2007 that I started utilizing the blades again. That was when I decided to put joelle on wheels. She went on wheels when she was about four (she cycles a two-wheeler when she was six) and upgraded to a new pair of personal blades when she turned seven. That's the reason I got back on my wheels too. It is really beneficial to be able to do something together with your child and I'm glad we found it in wheels related sports. After all I do not run and she could not swim (yet).

Recently, I just indulge in a new pair of freestyle skates after being tempted by the pair that joelle's instructor loan me every week for four weeks. It has a shorter frame and rocker wheels and I have no regrets with that purchase. Although this set me back by another S$199, it's a good steal for me. When I went down to the shop, I had the rollerblade twister in mind. I tried on that pair and it was an immediate bond. Just like a love at first sight. Unfortunately it is the lack of willingness to part with that amount of money that tore us apart. There was no room for comparison at all. It was S$199 versus S$499. Perhaps if I did not lose that project, I would be willing to take on that amount. But I did not secure that project so I gave myself a budget of only S$250 for this.

But now I'm so in love with my wheels that I have being down blading around the neighbourhood by myself late at night. It's a wonderful feeling to be on wheels and I do hope that I could touch base with my wheels soon, even if it means I have to fall a few times and bleed a few times. My goal with this pair of blades is to be as confident as I would be without the wheels. I'm not even talking about stunts or sleek movements, just me and my blades, together, going anyway we want. Now I'm still not there yet but I'm getting to know her better everyday. As long as I feel her well enough, I'm sure she won't disappoint me.  

When I told dave my mission to blade more, he supported me by getting a pair of blades for himself. This is his very first pair of blades and I'm so jealous that he could just get on his wheels and do much more than I ever did on mine. He told me the secret lies in GUTS and he has the guts to fall and try and fall again. Perhaps I should adopt this man's attitude to sports. "No pain no gain" I suppose.

Dave's wheels are from K2 and it has the well established comfort and reliability of its name. I almost got the same pair in woman's cut and design but I was seriously wanting a change from the recreational blades that I already owned. This pair has a special feature - the bamboo frame. It is said to be as hard as steel and as light as plastic. Dave shall put them to the test.

You bring out the best in me.

I have this habit of assigning different ring tones to different groups of people. My husband has one really funny one, it actually makes me laugh every time he calls and I'll answer the call with a giggle. That's good because he thinks I'm always happy to get his calls!

And I have a 30sec segment of this song assign to a friend whom at one point in time did bring out the best in me. Unfortunately, I hardly hear that ring tone as she hardly calls me. Well I guess it might be time I assign a different tune to her name. Not that it matters anyway since she doesn't call. But I really do like this song and EJ, you did bring out the best in me and I'm sorry if you no longer think so.

Today, I celebrate love

Today, I celebrate love. To those who knows me deeper than the occasional "hi" and "bye" would know that I'm a sucker for sentimental moments. I have, which many do not comprehend, a moment for everything. Sometimes these moments are shared by the other party. Sometimes it holds meaning for myself only. Today is one of those days I celebrate a significant moment. Today I celebrate one year of daringly loving a friend. 

I know that in life, people come and go. Some just swing by, some lingers and only once in a while you have someone who likes to be with you and they stay longer. 

This friend of mine, we met by chance. Our path did not cross three years back even though we were among each other occasionally in school events. However within six months of knowing each other, we chose to explore further as good friends. We developed a sense of closeness and familiarity that only best friends, family shares. It was this day one year ago when it happened. I opened my heart to her, allowing her access to my everything; my goodness, my friendship, my love as well as my flaws, my weaknesses and my pain. I know fully well that when someone gets to see your vulnerability, your weaknesses, you risk being hurt. When someone gets to see your flaws, your past, you risk being judged. When someone gets to see your pain, your sufferings, your hurt, you risk losing that person. 

I did not know what got into me that night but I felt a great sense of trust in her to not judge me, or hurt me, or leave me. I have no regrets with this friendship. Everything was meant to be. It may not have happened the way I dream about or proceeded the way I desired. It may not even have lasted the way I truly wished it would. But I trust that it had happened according to His will, His way and His time. She is the chosen angel that God wants in my life. Through her, I learn to trust friendship again. Through her, I learn to give... just to see her smile. Through her, I experience the love and concern from a close friend once again. I know that God wants me to learn, to experience all over again this love, through this special angel that He sent my way. Like the saying goes "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I love her and that's all she needs to know. Today, I celebrate that love. 

Happy daddy's day

We bought some durians to celebrate father's day and this is one very delicious lot. It is so good that we regret not buying more (we got three, opened and packed on the spot).

On this day, I dedicate my prayers to the well being of my man, our man, the only man in the house. I pray that he continue to enjoy good health and a sound mind. I notice that he's getting more sensitive and irritable these days. Perhaps it's the stress that he's facing at work or the discomfort he's feeling physically. He can be rather stubborn at times especially in relation to medical issues but I do hope that he will go for a detail check on the discomfort he's been feeling lately. I know that he probably feels the need to be the healthy one for the family and he probably does not want to add to the stress threshold of our family now. It's been hard on him and so I sincerely pray that nothing bad would befall upon him, the pillar of the family.  

Father's day 2010
Father's day 2009 

Hit by a flying metal on PIE

 

Freedom was hit by a piece of flying metal on the PIE while on the way to my grandma's place. I was driving at about 95km/h on the right lane when a car on the center lane just ahead drove over a piece of metal. That caused the metal to come spinning into my lane right into my car. I saw it coming at full speed and I had no time to react. Anyway I could do nothing at that speed on that lane. So "BANG!" and the girls screamed. It was very loud, it sounded like a very hard hit. I managed to maintain full control of the car even though that hit caused a slight impact and I swerved a little. When I found composure and filter myself to the shoulder lane, I stopped to check on the damage. I knew it would be bad even before I take a look. It was bad alright. My right fog light dropped out from the impact and the bumper has this really deep puncture and many deep scratches. I was heartbroken. Freedom is a four year old car and besides some curb scratches on the rims, she is almost as good as new. Now there's this scar on her "face". :(

But of course I have to be thankful that the metal piece did not fly in five inches higher because if that happen, it would have hit my windscreen, break it and hit me, causing me to lose control of the car and sent it spinning with my girls inside. That would have been a much more horrifying end to this terrible accident. So here I am, upset that this had happen to me yet thankful that nothing else had happen. I can live with the scars on my car than losing any one of them that's in my car that afternoon. 

I shall take this accident as another reminder for us to be careful on the road and be mindful that life is indeed unpredictable. I thank God for this timely reminder and for keeping us safe and protecting us from anything more than just shock. This is another opportunity for me to scream out loud to people I cared about. "I love you"!

Mission #1 - Walk

Last week, I spent a long time thinking and thinking and thinking. If you know that nothing can be done about anything, would you still worry? So I guess while waiting, I can occupy my time with what I would really like to do and perhaps also include what I really need to do. I'm happy to say that I have walked out with just three "missions" to accomplish, at least for now. But if time permits, I might include more along the way.

Mission #1 - Walk.
The stress test I took at the hospital convinced me that I need to work that fragile heart of mine gently but surely. Besides walking, I can probably do swimming and blading and cycling too. For a start, I decided on walking. So after a discussion with my man and a couple of days spent scoring the malls, I set my eyes on sketches range of walking shoes. This pair of shoes set me back by S$130 but it felt good under my feet. It is the new model that carries the same technology as their range of "boat-like rocking" shoes. I could have got one of those for about S$20 more but it did not feel as natural to me as this pair does. So now I guess I'm going to be walking more.

Sunsets are as beautiful as rainbows too

God loves beautiful things. I know... just look at how beautiful sunsets can be. Amazing sight. I was at my in laws place and saw this from the kitchen window. I stood there mesmerized by the gorgeous view. I literally watched the sun set. 

The beautiful sight that evening made me emotional and sentimental suddenly and I thought of how beautiful life can be. I thought of all the memorable events that had shaped my entire 38 years of life. I remembered all the beautiful people who played a part in making this life so worth enjoying. I marveled at how life unfolded itself slowly but surely for me at specific time. And I thank God for planting special people along the way for me to experience. I'm sure whatever God has planned for me is nothing short of a good one. I have come to put my trust in Him. After all, the saying goes "if it's not good, it's not the end".

Thank you, my Lord and my God, for being with me throughout this entire journey. It's been a very blessed one indeed.

Hello 小白

Finally, after months of deliberation and consideration, I have made my choice. And it had to be WHITE.

For months I was contemplating between the iphone and the galaxy. It's apple vs the android. I talked to friends with the galaxy and those with the iphone. I played with their phones and studied their functions. I started to lean towards the iphone when my anti-iphone cousin told me that it is the best phone around. And the final push has to be the launch of the new white. When that came out, I got it the next day.

I guess I'm now an official iphone user and a very proud owner of a white iphone. Yes, it has got to be white.

When meaness was repaid with kindness

I had a little unhappiness with my good friend one night. Fortunately, I do not remember what it was about. However I will always remember how she repaid my meanness for kindness.

We had an exchange of mean messages, if I remembered correctly. And I went to bed feeling very angry. In fact it must have affected me quite a bit because I woke up still feeling angry. What followed then was the classic moment. I went to the car park and did not find her car at the usual lot and immediately I sent a sarcastic message to her. She told me to wait for her and I was prepared to slap her with my blackest face when she came round. And I did.

However when she came by, she handed me my breakfast. She actually drove out earlier to buy me breakfast (I've been requesting for my favourite soybean milk and chee chong fan few days back), that's why I did not find her car in the car park. Boy, you should have seen how horrible I looked because I was really feeling horrible about myself. I was ashamed and totally embarrassed by my lack of grace. I was deliberately mean to her, yet she treated me with kindness. I was angry with her, yet she found it in her heart to still pamper me with my breakfast request. What was I thinking? What have I done? I totally do not deserve this kind soul. What is happening to me lately?

EJ, if you're reading this... I'm so sorry. I know you have already forgiven me but I just need to say it again. It's my blessing to have you in my life. It's my blessing to have you as my friend. I know you love me. I just have to start believing it.

...and the crab made up for lost time

Since we did not really celebrate our anniversary on wednesday, we decide to have something we might be craving for a while. And it has to be a crab meal. So we head out to the crab place at yio chu kang with the girls and order our favourite salted egg crab. It is pure satisfaction and I'm happy now.

The icing on the cake would have to be the coming trip together. Dave got quite a number of overseas project bookings and he suggested that I join him for one of those trips. I'm certainly hoping it'll be during the school holidays. I do not usually join him on overseas project as most of his projects takes him to places I do not fancy. This time however, there might be a couple of places that sounds pretty exciting to me. Well, we'll wait for further confirmation.

It's been 9 years since... I was a "miss".

Today, I celebrate nine years of being Mrs Chan. For that I received a brand new laptop!

Not too bad for being a Mrs Chan after all ya?

Unfortunately, I have been down with runny nose, cough and a terrible sore throat for more than a week now. It got so bad, the infection affected my stomach causing me one very painful sleepless night with complimentary vomiting. Yes, thank you virus. Heavily sedated, we decided not to celebrate our anniversary today but opt to do it over the weekend instead. Hopefully I'm well and about by then. So my man took on a last minute job (he's a workaholic btw) and left me to dine alone with antibiotics as desert. For someone like me, this is pathetic.

I know, I know... it's just another ordinary day, if you think about it. But I'm not an ordinary girl with ordinary loves. I love anniversaries, I love christmas, I loves birthdays, I love special occasions, I love memories, I love reminiscing, I love romance. I am someone who live to see, to feel and to experience love. I guess I'm just not your ordinary girl. I am the cinderella who refused to step out of her fairy tale even after nine years in reality-land, playing "who's the boss" and "earn your keeps". Well, well, well... it's going to be just another day after all. Another day of caressing my pretty metallic baby.

Our 8th anniversary celebrated in Sentosa
Our 7th anniversary
Our 6th anniversary celebrated in KL, Malaysia
Our 5th anniversary celebrated in Taipei, Taiwan

Taking grandma on a field trip

Ever since my beloved grandpa passed on, I promised myself I have to spend more time with my grandma. Though I know my grandma's love for me could not be compared to my grandpa's, she is nevertheless my grandma and I love her as well.

I try to bring the girls over to keep her company on sundays but on 27 march 2011, we decided to bring her out on a field trip instead. I asked her where she would want to go and she said to bring her to places I would bring the girls. So after much thought, we decided to bring her to sentosa via the boardwalk. I assume she would be amazed by the developments in sentosa. So we brought her to see the casino and resort world. We took a slow stroll in but took the LRT back to vivo where we parked. She had a good time. So did we. Now where next?

I figured...

that different people have different ways to show they care.

This is my favourite biscuits and one day I received them like this. Two packs of seven and a pack of four. It took me awhile to figure out the meaning of this weird packing. It actually meant two weeks and four days of reward for my endurance over that duration. Wow! Why did I need that long to figure that out. So unlike me this time.

Perhaps it's because this friend has always been to me, indifference. So I never would expect her to come up with something that sweet and personal. It is so comforting to know she cares enough to be bothered by such details. I would have expect her to give them to me as they were. And you know what's the icing on the cake? It came with a little note. A very short note but one that I have probably read over time and memorized.

I wish I could express my affection for this dear friend right here on this blog but I know being the person that she is, it'll be too blatant for her. Unlike the bold and fearless me, she's probably not very expose to the freedom of expression that I'm so famous for. So for her sake and understanding, I'll do this her way. I'll whisper into my clenched fist the words meant just for her, seal it with a kiss and place them over my heart. For you, my dear friend... ... and thank you.